~
~
morning bright evening light
earth’s speckled shadows falling
constant companion
~
shadows in my heart
moonshine on your fingertips
the thunder passes
~
morning on my bed
evening on the lavender
seasons on my landscape
~
snow bright cold goodbye
sun bright scorched beginnings
seasons on my skin
~
just like butterflies
the light moves across the floor
watch pounce pounce her swift white paws
~
red and July sun
draws a fire tattoo of light
across our bared hips
~
10 comments:
OK, I hope you'll take this critique in the spirit it is offered. You seem to feel the need to pack your poems out to fill the 5-7-5 syllable count - but haiku is about feeling not counting syllables.
the first packs far too much into the first line - is it morning or is it evening? or is morning just perhaps describing the evening brightness [my experience is the brightest suns are evening anyway]
#2 is very good though but you could useully lose the definite article on line 3
#3 is problematical as a haiku - whilst a "moment" can indeed stretch a whole day, haiku are best when describing a specific moment, morning or evening, rarely both at the same time.
#4 - you should try to avoid repeating words twice in a single haiku - they lose rather than gain impact thereby
#5 - similes are better implied rather than stated -- something like
butterfly-soft
light moves across the floor
swift white paws pounce
#6 a great image. "red and July" sounds a bit awkward but I can't think of a better way to express it so perhaps it works just fine - in fact I really warm to this last one.
all the best
Gerald
I love the second one.
I'm assuming moonshine refers to the stuff that is distilled and the thunder is ... well I'll be discreet and not say.
I like the first. It speaks to me of the interplay between Earth and the moon.
First of all, I love the photos. I love the imagery and action of the white paws ;)
In answer to the question you posed on my blog - I think critiques are not unheard of at ODB but it isn't the norm because mostly there isn't the time.
I don't to do it often as it can be misread -- a critique is still a comment but addressed to the work and is never personal -- some people take criticism personally and respond in a personal way in which case there's no point in giving any critique, but your comment on my own piece hinted at a measure of perception and I thought you might appreciate a critique -- the six haiku exhibit weaknesses one finds a novice writer but also a good sense. I'm sure you are capable of doing some excellent haiku and if you are prepared to accept a little guidance then you will only learn and improve. Among the contributors to ODB are some really excellent people who know a lot about haiku and have done it a long time -- their works breathe. Others have a stilted notion and are probably not interested in improving so just let them be, but those who want to learn will do so.
I like the movement from one poem to the next. Your "pounce pounce" is joyful. I like the sensual nature of your last one, especially as I bake in the July red heat as I read your poetry.
I love the feeling that the haiku
"morning on my bed
evening on the lavender
seasons on my landscape"
evokes of summer in Provence...
Thanks everyone.
Gerald, a considered response to your critique has been posted on my blog.
Cheers.
I love the second one with the moonshine and the thunder, so many possible meanings in there as well as so well put.
I love the layers - the depth is astounding...
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